Top 40 Humorous Quotes and Sayings

He who binds to himself a joy Does the winged life destroy, But he who kisses the joy as it flies Lives in eternity’s sunrise. Here are some best funny quotes and sayings.



01. Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are. — Will Ferrell



02. I don't need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning. — Anonymous



03. If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me. — Anonymous



04. Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it's a brighter day. — Anonymous



05. When nothing is going right, go left. — Anonymous



06. Mosquitoes are like family. Annoying but they carry your blood. — Anonymous

07. I changed my password everywhere to 'incorrect.' That way when I forget it, it always reminds me, 'Your password is incorrect.' — Anonymous



08. When you wake up at 6 in the morning, you close your eyes for 5 minutes and it's already 6:45. When you're at work and it's 2:30, you close your eyes for 5 minutes and it's 2:31. — Anonymous



09. I wish my wallet came with free refills. — Anonymous

10. Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you. — Anonymous



11. 80% of boys have girlfriends... Rest 20% boys are having brain. — Anonymous



12. My prince is not coming on a white horse... He's obviously riding a turtle and definitely lost. — Anonymous


13. You love flowers, but you cut them. You love animals, but you eat them. You tell me you love me, so now I'm scared! — Anonymous



14. My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry. — Anonymous

15. If you're hotter than me, then that means I'm cooler than you. — Anonymous



16. When a door closes another door should open, but if it doesn't then go in through the window. — Anonymous

17. My six pack is protected by a layer of fat. — Anonymous



18. God is really creative, I mean.. just look at me!☺ — Anonymous



19. Don't worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet. — Anonymous



20. In the morning I can't eat, I'm thinking of you. In the evening I can't eat, I'm thinking of you. In the night I can't sleep.. I'm so hungry! — Anonymous



21. When the past comes knocking, don't answer. It has nothing new to tell you. — Anonymous



22. My room is like the Bermuda triangle, stuff goes in and is never seen again. — Anonymous



23. Waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn, hardest thing in the world. — Anonymous







24. Video games are actually the only legal place to kill stupid people! — Anonymous



25. A relationship without trust is like a cell phone with no service, all you can do is play games. — Anonymous



26. They say "don't try this at home" so I'm coming over to your house to try it. — Anonymous



27. I never let my schooling interfere with my education. — Anonymous



28. Never laugh at your wife’s choices… you are one of them. — Anonymous



29. Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise, they won't come to yours. — Yogi Berra



30. For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. — Anonymous



31. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? — Jerry Seinfeld



32. Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door. — Kyle Chandler



33. If one child makes you a parent more than two children must make you a referee. — Anonymous







34. I'm not lazy, I'm on energy saving mode. — Anonymous



35. You can never buy Love... But still you have to pay for it! — Anonymous



36. If money grew on trees, then girls would be dating monkeys. — Anonymous



37. Dear Lord, there is a bug in your software... it's called Monday, please fix it. — Anonymous



38. Life is too short smile while you still have teeth. — Anonymous



39. If I steal church's wi-fi, will I receive the signal from God? — Anonymous



40. There's like 7 billion people in this world and no one wants to date me. I hate this world. — Anonymous